Monday Funnies

So, I was snooping around Snopes this morning checking out the authenticity of an email I received. Then I lost interest and found myself wandering around on that site.

I came across the results of a fiction contest; a competition where entrants try to come up with the most wretched opening sentences to an imaginary novel. Here are just some of the results:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (My personal favorite.)

7. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

10. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

11. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

12. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

13, Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

14. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

15. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.