To all Pet Owners To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object .
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.
I am very sorry about this.
Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.
I must exit through the same door I entered.
Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.
I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1 . They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it 'fur'niture.) ((My dogs have their own couch in the dining room that looks out the front of the house; they don't get to be up on other furniture. Oh, well, except the bed, damn it!))
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. Hehehe
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. (Oh, mine speak VERY clearly!)
Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train (Psht, don't you believe it!)
4. Normally come when called (well, OK, the cat thinks about it)
5. Never ask to drive the car (I beg to differ; Shasta ALWAYS grabs the driver's seat)
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions (No but there's alot of people out there that buy those latest fashions for them. You know who you are!)
9. Don't want to wear your clothes (He just wants to go through the pockets...every morning)
10. Don't need a 'gazillion' dollars for college. (I don't know. We had an English Shepherd that went to private training. Then for a follow up. Then to summer school. Then bit my son and had to go to remedial summer school. God love him; he turned out to be a wonderful dog!)
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children